Is that who you are?

I read a profound and simple statement this morning that has me chewing the cud over what enables some of my passions…and, sadly, often stops me dead in my tracks. Read this and let it sink in – don’t read on until you’ve really let it set in – “I am not defined by what I am not.”

I am not defined by what I am not…

Is it profound? Probably not. But sometimes it is the simplest of truths that we are unable to live out of. However, I know I have seen many people die inside because they didn’t allow the power of this truth to shape them.

“I’m always disappointing people.”
“I can never get the stuff done that I need.”
“I don’t show love to all the people that I want to.”
“I’m not a good singer.”

Now while there may be justifiable reasons behind all of these and teaching points to grab hold of, where is the anchor in your life? Why does no one ever expound on statements such as…

“I’m extremely creative/thoughtful.”
“If God doesn’t make mistakes, then the God living in me has plans for this.”
“I will listen and pray for you when no one else may.”
“I’m great at working behind the scenes.”
“I make a great cup of coffee.”

I have seen too many people that will run down that first list and operate out of an assumption that they were intended to be someone who could do the things they can’t, and that until they are able to obtain a masters level of proficiency in these areas, then they are nothing but short of the goal.

But often this leads us to stagnate the impact of those things in our life which we are good at. And what happens then? Those neglected things in the second list become our defeat by joining the first list of things we can’t do.

I would love to name the names of people that are coming to mind right now, people who I directly want to say, “Stop beating yourself up over the things you think you’re not doing well! Who gives a shit? You’re spending so much time fretting over what you might have never been meant to do that you’ve stopped doing all the things that made you so beautiful and unique.” But I won’t name names…I’ll just pray that the Giver of Truth would set you free.

Jesus came to set us free. If the knowledge of Christ makes you feel guilty and oppressed, then do take a long look at what is driving your understanding of and relationship with Him. Are you living in the constant flux of trying to get a better grip on the stuff you suck at or are you grabbing hold of the strengths that you do have and letting His power in your abilities change the world (even your world)?

Cycling and Spirituality

I’ve had company for the last 10 days. Old friends from South Carolina and new friends from Pennsylvania and Alabama. I agree wholeheartedly with one of these friends – that home is not a location as much as it is a safety and comfort felt in the presence of individuals with whom you are vulnerable and by whom you are loved. I have been at home for the past 2 weeks – and I never had to go any further than the San Francisco airport to find it.

This morning, as the last batch of friends left, I reveled in the thought that I could finally get back on my bike after not having been out since they showed up 10 days prior. The problem presented itself though that I had gotten lazy and, worst of all, accustomed to the laziness. I struggled to get myself motivated to go for a ride, came up with excuses for not going, and laid down on my bed contemplating my apathy for something I love so much. For those of you who know me, unwillingness to exercise is not a trait I often exhibit.

Can you see where I’m going here?

So I lay on my bed and began to read from Ecclesiastes. The thoughts came to my mind that just as one who loves to exercise can be distracted for a time and then have a hard time regaining their motivation and excitement, so can one who loves God become apathetic and unresponsive, all the while knowing that they want to get back on the “bike” and “ride”. It takes courage and perseverance, even if just for a short time in the beginning, to overcome the tannins of forgetful indifference that breed from our neglect of the things we are passionate about and of which we are in great need.

To those of you who have forgotten or question whether or not it is worth the effort to reignite the heat of pursuit – never forget that it was once worth it to you and the only thing that is likely fueling your hesitancy is not a lack of a perceived fulfillment, but rather a nervousness driven by lack of familiarity. Become reacquainted with the passions you have neglected – get on your bike and ride, talk to your God, get back in the gym, start writing music again, take that yoga class, dance and sing in the presence of your Maker. Let your passions be reignited and fears be silenced.

The Danger of Looking Deeper

We can get so lost in our philosophy and affirmative pursuits. I never expected to get lost down this path, but here I am. In the pursuit of God and understanding of one’s sinfulness in the presence of a holy and just God, could one possibly, once within grasp of an understanding of their sinfulness, forget to turn their eyes to the great Redeemer, the Lover of mankind?

Don’t stop short of this! The end of humanity is not to realize that she is a sinner, but rather to know and enjoy God forever. Granted, this knowing often comes through the careful assessment of one’s own inadequacy and need for propitiation for the Judge of his merits. However, I have found, and I don’t believe it to be unique to myself, that one can spend so much effort to understand his sin and the vileness of it as per the Law of God, that he forgets to acknowledge that this sin exists as a combination of nature and choice – not one or the other, but a combination of the two.

Now, my choices I can alter, assuming that I can operate them independent of my nature and an overpowering propensity toward the wrong (which, many have found, is not the case). But if nature is directly tied to sin, then how am I to change my nature? Nature is inborn and the essence of design. Can a tree choose to be less rigid or a lake to be unchanged by the wind? No, for this is in its nature and the state of its nature is beyond its control.

The same is true for us. This sin is in our nature and it is not in our power to devise and develop a way to alter our own nature. Even if you could devise the way, you could not implement it. Therefore, the constant inward-reflection, without the admittance that One outside the confines of the human condition and human limitations is the only one capable of affecting the nature of man, is unending and unproductive. The only thing it produces is confusion and, at best, legalist defeatism.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus.
Look full in His wonderful face.
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.

Only in the presence of the Savior of the world can we see there be any acceptable account given for the nature of man to the Righteous Judge of the earth. Only in the grace of Jesus can the soul find rest and love and peace and hope and the knowledge of goodness that can trump his own nature and his vain pursuits.

Life isn't a garden

My dinner tonight was from a nice little restaurant in Berkeley called Intermezzo. It was a chef salad that no respectable person should be able to finish in one sitting. But then what do you do with leftover salad?

Dashboard Confessional's new album comes out tomorrow. Who's ready to get mopey and self-deprecating?

My friends have changed. I'm not sure it's for the better. I talk to some people on the phone and they don't seem the same. However, some haven't changed and I really enjoy that they are those people I can depend on to always be the way I remember them. Is that necessarily a good thing though? Perhaps not. But it's gotta be better than those who have lost their respectable identities.

I freakin' love cycling. Cycling is not only better than sex because it just is, but also because I'm okay with cycling at any time of the day with other people around.

I just wanted you to know, I think about you every night when I fall asleep. And you are in my dreams, just like in a movie - the one you wanna see, with the happy ending.

My True Nature...Revealed.

It's 1.30 in the afternoon on a Saturday. It is Gay Pride weekend in San Francisco and the city is alive with rainbow flags and nervous glances. A lot of people are excited and just as many are hoping for the weekend to be over with.

I'm sitting on the outside porch of a coffee shop right across the street from the Berkeley campus. But they don't serve coffee here - closest thing you can get is an americano (which is diluted espresso), which is almost the same taste. I came here so that I would not spend my money.

As I sat and read from "Blue Like Jazz", a girl stopped as she was walking by and asked if I liked the book. She thought Don Miller was a bit pretentious and she did not like his paternal allegory of God's character. She was a nice girl and a brave conversationalist.

Near the end of our conversation, she asked if I was from the Carolinas. I laughed and said that I, in fact, had lived there and wondered how she knew. She said that I had a bit of an accent. I never knew that I had been so changed by my time in SC and so unchanged since I've left. You've scarred me Carolina - in the best way possible.

I miss God. I've been having a lot of trouble breathing lately - kinda like mild asthma. Probably nothing real serious, but every time I struggle to inhale it brings to mind that my soul will suffocate without enough of the Spirit in me.

So I bought this bike last week. I'm really pumped about it. One of my co-workers is in to cycling and he and I are going to ride up Mount Diablo in a few weeks - 11.5 miles up, average 7% grade, last half mile is 16%. It's a doosie.

He wept...

Grand Parade by The Reindeer Section

I love the way I feel so calm
although I can hardly wait.
I hear your voice, it feels like rain,
I’ve made my choice, I know.
I taste your skin, it melts and sings,
yes, we can win, I’m sure.
I’ll see your heart like golden fire,
it leads me on for good.

Bring on the sun!

I took a quick trip down to Evansville last night to pick up my motorcycle. It was good to see Mom and Pops. Definitely excited about the warm weather. It needs to get here soon, cuz Matt is aching to ride.

I realized today that I really do love the sun. It came out a few times this afternoon and I found myself just dropping what I was doing and standing in the window, in the warmth of the sun. Good stuff.

I got my grades this week and I ended up passing all my classes - nothing outstanding, but who cares, I'm still in the game and that's great for me.

Oh yeah, if anyone in SC sees Blur, tell him that I went to Epcot last week and hung out in Downtown Disney. He needs to know that, after 23 years, I returned to Disney for a taste of all the goodness that place has to offer.